i have this intense angry/sad feeling in me, and its been lasting all day. I am doing absolutely fuck all with my life, and everything that makes me happy is actually the things/people i should be staying the fuck away from.
im so annoyed because ive been sitting doing nothing today, absolutely nothing. just sitting feeling sorry for myself, not even feeling sorry for myself, just sitting, staring blankly trying to think up of something to do so i can stop feeling this overall 'dead' feeling. im sick of being nice to get everything thrown back in my face. I have had barely anyone close to talk to atall today, even then i dont even know what i want to say to them, i continually give off about how upset things are making me yet i dont ever do anything to help myself. im so much more angry at myself than anyone. at this moment in time i truly fucking hate myself. and just myself. I am the biggest contradiction ever, a complete loser, i may aswell be dead. I truly need to grow up, i even know that myself. But what's good 'knowing' what i have to do. Easier said than done. Which leads me to realise why I'm failing. I have this terrible ability to see people how i want to see them. Therefore i see certain people as how they used to be and fall for it. Every. Fucking. Time.
worst part is..when you can see finally someone is being so genuine. But infront of others, goes and just fucks everything up again. Was there a point in me even going to see you atall....was there a point in you saying all of that genuinly to me.....
you've given me so much more problems than I ever imagined.
On a brighter note, im alot better than last year, which i found insanely impossible..at the time.
wait..maybe im actually worse than then?
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