helloooo

im gonna try and do one of these blog things everyday so i can look back on thingsss as they are now. Unfortunatly, at this moment in time i near enough hate everything and would be happy enough to be dead. I have that feeling where you kinda know your going to slip into depression, if im not already there. Very few things are keeping me out of it. It's self inflicted though, MASSIVELY. i could have avoided all of this if i wanted to that much. I guess i just am incredibly naive as fuck. Right now, in my life, there is shit all to do and shit all i actually even want to do. I find it hard enough to even get out of bed..

Perhaps it has alot to do with the fact i was on drugs for 4 months straight. Although i feel SHITLOADS better being entirely clean, i reckon they effected me in some way. I don't even miss them anyway and wouldn't go back there, especially if they are a part of why I feel like this. Though ofcourse, we all know the number one reason i tend to feel like shit. Because i get treated like absolute bollocks by someone who supposedly loved and cared for me and apparently still does. I actually just sat for like 2 mins there trying to think of what the fuck to say now after saying that...its like i actually just cant even be assed going on about it. Not even out of fear that (omgz he might see and id feel totally wick) naaaa i dont even care bout that. i feel much older and mature now to even chase that idea. For the record, its not all in my head, my getting treated this way...grow the fuck up and get over it dosn't seem to cut it anymore. I have gotten over so much but there always seems to be new shit popping up that i have to get over. Stuff i really shouldn't even be needing to know about and for that matter, CARING ABOUT. Yet i am.

I don't put all the blame on one person, i blame myself for being stupid enough to let things happen continuously, tho couldn't they atleast notice my pain, realise there always causing it and just back the fuck off or say sorry? You have no idea the amount of times i get stabbed in the back by all of my closest friends. And barely anyone can say sorry to me or take responsibility for what they've done, theres always excuses. Im happy enough to say sorry about things when i know someone clearly is upset by what i've said or done. Even if it was something i didn't intentionally mean to do. Even if i had no knowledge of how it could effect someone (even if i barely new them), i would still apologise after finding out. And for the record I have done so in the past.

it seems drugs, cockyness and a lack of respect is massively at work in mass amounts of people i know.
ill try and keep the rest of my blogs light-hearted for people who are hating on the dark atmosphere. peaaace