havn't been on this in a while. Partly because things seem to be going great recently since i came home from London.
Before London things kinda came to a head where it was going shit for me and someone else. And I guess we both shared some sort of realisation after it and I know thats why your getting one last chance.
I smoked a good bit of weed last night and I havn't done that in about 2 months. Maybe that's why I feel as though im at peace and realising things. Man, i dunno.
please don't let this last time fuck up cause i will actually give up.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Thursday, 15 July 2010
annoyed
been reading questionsabout abortions on yahoo answers for most of the day which i find quite helpful as lots of people who have answered have had abortions themselves. A few people are fucking horrible though and write horrible disgusting things to put you off abortions, even though you know fine rightly they arn't that bad..they really don't need to describe it as 'they suck bits of your baby out while it cries and screams' well isn't that just lovely and pretty much NOT THE FUCKING CASE AT ALL.
I don;t understand these 'pro-life' people who protest outside abortion clinics. I mean jesus christ, women have rights and should have the choice to keep the pregnancy or not. Standing outside clinic's protesting will make you feel uncomfortable and awkward and really not the kind of support you need at that time. I truly find these people disgraceful as people who have abortions do not force every single other pregnant person into having an abortion. Imagine being pregnant and people protesting outside a hospital telling you to have a fucking abortion? Yeah thats completely insane isn't it...but bottom line is, thats what their fucking doing in the contrast of things.
One stupid woman properly tried to make this woman feel bad for asking a simple abortion question even though the woman explained in her question 'Before you go making me feel bad about this, I used a condom which obviously was not effective, I am still in school and am no longer with my boyfriend and i feel this is completely the right choice'
She was all 'DONT HAVE SEX IF YOU DON'T WANNA BE PREGNANT'
how fucking deluded is that? So i suppose every man in the world is only having sex to be pregnant? And everytime anyone has had sex it WASN'T for pleasure but just to get pregnant?
THE WOMAN OBVIOUSLY USED CONTRACEPTIVE..contraceptive is made for the purpose of having sex for pleasure. It is, in some cases, not effective. That does not mean the person is fucking stupid.
I myself have had to use the morning after pill around 3 times simply because the condom split 3 times.
Some other CUNT of a woman said 'do you realise how much of a skank you sound?' WOULD THEY GET THE FUCK OVER THEMSELVES. PREGNANCY IS NOT THE EASIEST THING TO GO THROUGH WHEN YOUR YOUNG AT ALL. oh but sure we have to give a little small clump of forming cells the chance for life because of your mistake. I do not say that in a nasty way, I just find it demeaning that they say GIVE THEM THE CHANCE FOR LIFE. Them being women, you'd think they'd know pregnancy is not an easy thing to go through, what with physical changes, the stress and the fact you go through labour and an immense amount of pain to bring him/her into the world...and were supposed to be forced to do that even though were not ready? and may regret having the child? and be a single mother?
ITS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY DAMAGING.
also the whole 'give it up for adoption to people who want children' GET THE FUCK. I PERSONALLY do not want to go through 9 months of pregnancy with my own child to give it the fuck away. I created that, It's mine. I'd be crying all the time if I had to give it away. I may not be able to cope with it but that would emotionally wreck you passing it on to strangers after 9 months of that!
would they just actually fucking be realistic for once and calm down. Pregnancy and abortion are both not easy things to go through and we should have the choice for which one we feel more comfortable with.
Lastly, I am going to go for an abortion in less than 2 days, It is the smaller surgical abortion as I am only around 2 months. I was very fucking stupid for having sex with an ex who I had been on and off with and who I had been very much in love with. He has put me through fucking hell ever since I told him i was pregnant. Starting off with him shouting at me because I didn't seem stressed, telling me he hated me, then saying he didn't believe I was and the only reason he's talking to me is because I'm pregnant. Then after less than a week i spoke to him in real life and he talked to me alot more and was asking more about the pregnancy and stuff, I then ended up in his house talking things over and he told me he still loved me and alot of other emotional bullshit. This was only a week ago. Then after that I was fucking ignored and he went after his other ex he had been seeing a while ago for afew months (may i also add we have been on and off for the past half a year and before that we were going out and in love for 2 years) RIGHT INFRONT OF MY FACE. so i told him where to go and walked off. Then he started talking to me on msn as if nothing happened and I got very annoyed at this and he told me 'nothing happened when you were at my house' and when i said he was lying and he said all that stuff and was being so affectionate and to stop lying he said 'im not lying' so yeah naturally I cracked the fuck up yet again as he had been nothing but a STUPID CUNT throughout this pregnancy. He then went on to tell me to 'fuck off and go make people feel sorry for me because im pregnant' Oh isn't that nice.
So really the people who try and make you feel bad for wanting an abortion can SHOVE IT. Because alot of young girls and women are in a bad situation and are nowhere near ready to bring a child into their life. I personally would not want to have this child without a father. I did not picture my life going this way and I am gonna suffer for my mistake because I have to get an abortion now and that is not easy. And i know i love this wee kid alot but honestly I could not cope with it and do not in any way want to give it a bad life or give it away to someone else. I know i will be abit sad and unhappy after the abortion but all in all I KNOW IT IS THE RIGHT CHOICE.
so enough with your pro-life bullshit and making people feel bad because their going through enough as it is. Probably alot more shit you'll EVER have to go for in your life. I'm really angry at all the comments I read and how I've been treated so here's a big FUCK YOU to guys who fuck around girls (specially pregnant girls they used to be in love with) and to pro-life wankers who feel the need to talk absolute SHITE and make people feel like crap when their already going through a bad enough time.
I don;t understand these 'pro-life' people who protest outside abortion clinics. I mean jesus christ, women have rights and should have the choice to keep the pregnancy or not. Standing outside clinic's protesting will make you feel uncomfortable and awkward and really not the kind of support you need at that time. I truly find these people disgraceful as people who have abortions do not force every single other pregnant person into having an abortion. Imagine being pregnant and people protesting outside a hospital telling you to have a fucking abortion? Yeah thats completely insane isn't it...but bottom line is, thats what their fucking doing in the contrast of things.
One stupid woman properly tried to make this woman feel bad for asking a simple abortion question even though the woman explained in her question 'Before you go making me feel bad about this, I used a condom which obviously was not effective, I am still in school and am no longer with my boyfriend and i feel this is completely the right choice'
She was all 'DONT HAVE SEX IF YOU DON'T WANNA BE PREGNANT'
how fucking deluded is that? So i suppose every man in the world is only having sex to be pregnant? And everytime anyone has had sex it WASN'T for pleasure but just to get pregnant?
THE WOMAN OBVIOUSLY USED CONTRACEPTIVE..contraceptive is made for the purpose of having sex for pleasure. It is, in some cases, not effective. That does not mean the person is fucking stupid.
I myself have had to use the morning after pill around 3 times simply because the condom split 3 times.
Some other CUNT of a woman said 'do you realise how much of a skank you sound?' WOULD THEY GET THE FUCK OVER THEMSELVES. PREGNANCY IS NOT THE EASIEST THING TO GO THROUGH WHEN YOUR YOUNG AT ALL. oh but sure we have to give a little small clump of forming cells the chance for life because of your mistake. I do not say that in a nasty way, I just find it demeaning that they say GIVE THEM THE CHANCE FOR LIFE. Them being women, you'd think they'd know pregnancy is not an easy thing to go through, what with physical changes, the stress and the fact you go through labour and an immense amount of pain to bring him/her into the world...and were supposed to be forced to do that even though were not ready? and may regret having the child? and be a single mother?
ITS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY DAMAGING.
also the whole 'give it up for adoption to people who want children' GET THE FUCK. I PERSONALLY do not want to go through 9 months of pregnancy with my own child to give it the fuck away. I created that, It's mine. I'd be crying all the time if I had to give it away. I may not be able to cope with it but that would emotionally wreck you passing it on to strangers after 9 months of that!
would they just actually fucking be realistic for once and calm down. Pregnancy and abortion are both not easy things to go through and we should have the choice for which one we feel more comfortable with.
Lastly, I am going to go for an abortion in less than 2 days, It is the smaller surgical abortion as I am only around 2 months. I was very fucking stupid for having sex with an ex who I had been on and off with and who I had been very much in love with. He has put me through fucking hell ever since I told him i was pregnant. Starting off with him shouting at me because I didn't seem stressed, telling me he hated me, then saying he didn't believe I was and the only reason he's talking to me is because I'm pregnant. Then after less than a week i spoke to him in real life and he talked to me alot more and was asking more about the pregnancy and stuff, I then ended up in his house talking things over and he told me he still loved me and alot of other emotional bullshit. This was only a week ago. Then after that I was fucking ignored and he went after his other ex he had been seeing a while ago for afew months (may i also add we have been on and off for the past half a year and before that we were going out and in love for 2 years) RIGHT INFRONT OF MY FACE. so i told him where to go and walked off. Then he started talking to me on msn as if nothing happened and I got very annoyed at this and he told me 'nothing happened when you were at my house' and when i said he was lying and he said all that stuff and was being so affectionate and to stop lying he said 'im not lying' so yeah naturally I cracked the fuck up yet again as he had been nothing but a STUPID CUNT throughout this pregnancy. He then went on to tell me to 'fuck off and go make people feel sorry for me because im pregnant' Oh isn't that nice.
So really the people who try and make you feel bad for wanting an abortion can SHOVE IT. Because alot of young girls and women are in a bad situation and are nowhere near ready to bring a child into their life. I personally would not want to have this child without a father. I did not picture my life going this way and I am gonna suffer for my mistake because I have to get an abortion now and that is not easy. And i know i love this wee kid alot but honestly I could not cope with it and do not in any way want to give it a bad life or give it away to someone else. I know i will be abit sad and unhappy after the abortion but all in all I KNOW IT IS THE RIGHT CHOICE.
so enough with your pro-life bullshit and making people feel bad because their going through enough as it is. Probably alot more shit you'll EVER have to go for in your life. I'm really angry at all the comments I read and how I've been treated so here's a big FUCK YOU to guys who fuck around girls (specially pregnant girls they used to be in love with) and to pro-life wankers who feel the need to talk absolute SHITE and make people feel like crap when their already going through a bad enough time.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
chilled
woke up today and watched the flinstones for an hour while eating toast.
wasn't a bad wee day. was in town with gemma, was sick when i got in though, due to the whole pregnancy thing. i dont know why but i havn't wrote about it here. I dont think i want to at the minute til ive dealt with what im going to do. So anyway
we went to see eclipse. 3rd time ive seen it. i dont like the twilight series at all, all my friends just drag me to see it over and over which makes me wanna die a bit. enjoyed taking the piss out of it though in the very back row to gemma :L
had a burger king after. burger king makes me feel awkward. with mcdonalds or kfc you dander in knowing what you want. with burger king its like 'what the fuck is this place' *squints at menu* 'how the fuck do i say that..?' then me and gemma sat in the...yes..the kids section on really small seats and tables. gemma's idea, not mine.
anyway ive felt abit sad for a wee while today. not much. feel as tho im doing better with dealing with lots of stuff :)
wasn't a bad wee day. was in town with gemma, was sick when i got in though, due to the whole pregnancy thing. i dont know why but i havn't wrote about it here. I dont think i want to at the minute til ive dealt with what im going to do. So anyway
we went to see eclipse. 3rd time ive seen it. i dont like the twilight series at all, all my friends just drag me to see it over and over which makes me wanna die a bit. enjoyed taking the piss out of it though in the very back row to gemma :L
had a burger king after. burger king makes me feel awkward. with mcdonalds or kfc you dander in knowing what you want. with burger king its like 'what the fuck is this place' *squints at menu* 'how the fuck do i say that..?' then me and gemma sat in the...yes..the kids section on really small seats and tables. gemma's idea, not mine.
anyway ive felt abit sad for a wee while today. not much. feel as tho im doing better with dealing with lots of stuff :)
Monday, 12 July 2010
Sunday, 11 July 2010
if i dont even know, i doubt you will.
i have this intense angry/sad feeling in me, and its been lasting all day. I am doing absolutely fuck all with my life, and everything that makes me happy is actually the things/people i should be staying the fuck away from.
im so annoyed because ive been sitting doing nothing today, absolutely nothing. just sitting feeling sorry for myself, not even feeling sorry for myself, just sitting, staring blankly trying to think up of something to do so i can stop feeling this overall 'dead' feeling. im sick of being nice to get everything thrown back in my face. I have had barely anyone close to talk to atall today, even then i dont even know what i want to say to them, i continually give off about how upset things are making me yet i dont ever do anything to help myself. im so much more angry at myself than anyone. at this moment in time i truly fucking hate myself. and just myself. I am the biggest contradiction ever, a complete loser, i may aswell be dead. I truly need to grow up, i even know that myself. But what's good 'knowing' what i have to do. Easier said than done. Which leads me to realise why I'm failing. I have this terrible ability to see people how i want to see them. Therefore i see certain people as how they used to be and fall for it. Every. Fucking. Time.
worst part is..when you can see finally someone is being so genuine. But infront of others, goes and just fucks everything up again. Was there a point in me even going to see you atall....was there a point in you saying all of that genuinly to me.....
you've given me so much more problems than I ever imagined.
On a brighter note, im alot better than last year, which i found insanely impossible..at the time.
wait..maybe im actually worse than then?
im so annoyed because ive been sitting doing nothing today, absolutely nothing. just sitting feeling sorry for myself, not even feeling sorry for myself, just sitting, staring blankly trying to think up of something to do so i can stop feeling this overall 'dead' feeling. im sick of being nice to get everything thrown back in my face. I have had barely anyone close to talk to atall today, even then i dont even know what i want to say to them, i continually give off about how upset things are making me yet i dont ever do anything to help myself. im so much more angry at myself than anyone. at this moment in time i truly fucking hate myself. and just myself. I am the biggest contradiction ever, a complete loser, i may aswell be dead. I truly need to grow up, i even know that myself. But what's good 'knowing' what i have to do. Easier said than done. Which leads me to realise why I'm failing. I have this terrible ability to see people how i want to see them. Therefore i see certain people as how they used to be and fall for it. Every. Fucking. Time.
worst part is..when you can see finally someone is being so genuine. But infront of others, goes and just fucks everything up again. Was there a point in me even going to see you atall....was there a point in you saying all of that genuinly to me.....
you've given me so much more problems than I ever imagined.
On a brighter note, im alot better than last year, which i found insanely impossible..at the time.
wait..maybe im actually worse than then?
.
i feel so sick again, and i know no ones going to be there to help me or hold back my hair. i have to do it myself.
it makes me feel dead inside when i know less than a week ago i felt so secure and safe and happy and everything was so good and funny. it always only lasts for a day though..why do i be so stupid?
it makes me feel dead inside when i know less than a week ago i felt so secure and safe and happy and everything was so good and funny. it always only lasts for a day though..why do i be so stupid?
duvet day
i think im having a duvet day blogging. Though its not the kinda duvet day you think back fondly of. I guess when im 50 or somethin ill be like, fuck i wish i could go back to when i was 17 and so angry and free. mmm yea that sounds about right.
Im listening to coldplay - the scientist to try and make myself feel even more shitter.
'nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the starrrt'
if i dont wise the fuck up now and do what i know i should do i will be repeatedly stuck like this and so very very unhappy. im writing this so i can keep reading this and force myself not to do the same stupid mistakes.i hate i can be made so happy, and then for it to be all taken away..purposely. i hate i get so close to being past it all and you drag me back in to false shitty hopes.
i wanna go back to when i was a kid or fuck even 3 years ago will do nicely. all my shitty problems then were so fucking retardly dramatic but i knew atleast i was actually happy, even when i was crying. the next day id be fucking grand. never would effect me. those problems are virtually nothing in comparison to now.
i wish to god i could go back to when you were cool, when we were cool. when every little thing made a lasting impact and is now a huge memory that i half want to erase. i wish to god i could go back then and maybe erase you? :/
'thats just life isnt it, its how it goes' maybe i don't even want to know you anymore if thats what you think.
Im listening to coldplay - the scientist to try and make myself feel even more shitter.
'nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the starrrt'
if i dont wise the fuck up now and do what i know i should do i will be repeatedly stuck like this and so very very unhappy. im writing this so i can keep reading this and force myself not to do the same stupid mistakes.i hate i can be made so happy, and then for it to be all taken away..purposely. i hate i get so close to being past it all and you drag me back in to false shitty hopes.
i wanna go back to when i was a kid or fuck even 3 years ago will do nicely. all my shitty problems then were so fucking retardly dramatic but i knew atleast i was actually happy, even when i was crying. the next day id be fucking grand. never would effect me. those problems are virtually nothing in comparison to now.
i wish to god i could go back to when you were cool, when we were cool. when every little thing made a lasting impact and is now a huge memory that i half want to erase. i wish to god i could go back then and maybe erase you? :/
'thats just life isnt it, its how it goes' maybe i don't even want to know you anymore if thats what you think.
helloooo
im gonna try and do one of these blog things everyday so i can look back on thingsss as they are now. Unfortunatly, at this moment in time i near enough hate everything and would be happy enough to be dead. I have that feeling where you kinda know your going to slip into depression, if im not already there. Very few things are keeping me out of it. It's self inflicted though, MASSIVELY. i could have avoided all of this if i wanted to that much. I guess i just am incredibly naive as fuck. Right now, in my life, there is shit all to do and shit all i actually even want to do. I find it hard enough to even get out of bed..
Perhaps it has alot to do with the fact i was on drugs for 4 months straight. Although i feel SHITLOADS better being entirely clean, i reckon they effected me in some way. I don't even miss them anyway and wouldn't go back there, especially if they are a part of why I feel like this. Though ofcourse, we all know the number one reason i tend to feel like shit. Because i get treated like absolute bollocks by someone who supposedly loved and cared for me and apparently still does. I actually just sat for like 2 mins there trying to think of what the fuck to say now after saying that...its like i actually just cant even be assed going on about it. Not even out of fear that (omgz he might see and id feel totally wick) naaaa i dont even care bout that. i feel much older and mature now to even chase that idea. For the record, its not all in my head, my getting treated this way...grow the fuck up and get over it dosn't seem to cut it anymore. I have gotten over so much but there always seems to be new shit popping up that i have to get over. Stuff i really shouldn't even be needing to know about and for that matter, CARING ABOUT. Yet i am.
I don't put all the blame on one person, i blame myself for being stupid enough to let things happen continuously, tho couldn't they atleast notice my pain, realise there always causing it and just back the fuck off or say sorry? You have no idea the amount of times i get stabbed in the back by all of my closest friends. And barely anyone can say sorry to me or take responsibility for what they've done, theres always excuses. Im happy enough to say sorry about things when i know someone clearly is upset by what i've said or done. Even if it was something i didn't intentionally mean to do. Even if i had no knowledge of how it could effect someone (even if i barely new them), i would still apologise after finding out. And for the record I have done so in the past.
it seems drugs, cockyness and a lack of respect is massively at work in mass amounts of people i know.
ill try and keep the rest of my blogs light-hearted for people who are hating on the dark atmosphere. peaaace
Perhaps it has alot to do with the fact i was on drugs for 4 months straight. Although i feel SHITLOADS better being entirely clean, i reckon they effected me in some way. I don't even miss them anyway and wouldn't go back there, especially if they are a part of why I feel like this. Though ofcourse, we all know the number one reason i tend to feel like shit. Because i get treated like absolute bollocks by someone who supposedly loved and cared for me and apparently still does. I actually just sat for like 2 mins there trying to think of what the fuck to say now after saying that...its like i actually just cant even be assed going on about it. Not even out of fear that (omgz he might see and id feel totally wick) naaaa i dont even care bout that. i feel much older and mature now to even chase that idea. For the record, its not all in my head, my getting treated this way...grow the fuck up and get over it dosn't seem to cut it anymore. I have gotten over so much but there always seems to be new shit popping up that i have to get over. Stuff i really shouldn't even be needing to know about and for that matter, CARING ABOUT. Yet i am.
I don't put all the blame on one person, i blame myself for being stupid enough to let things happen continuously, tho couldn't they atleast notice my pain, realise there always causing it and just back the fuck off or say sorry? You have no idea the amount of times i get stabbed in the back by all of my closest friends. And barely anyone can say sorry to me or take responsibility for what they've done, theres always excuses. Im happy enough to say sorry about things when i know someone clearly is upset by what i've said or done. Even if it was something i didn't intentionally mean to do. Even if i had no knowledge of how it could effect someone (even if i barely new them), i would still apologise after finding out. And for the record I have done so in the past.
it seems drugs, cockyness and a lack of respect is massively at work in mass amounts of people i know.
ill try and keep the rest of my blogs light-hearted for people who are hating on the dark atmosphere. peaaace
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